mamabishop: Artist and Engineer

mamabishop: Artist and Engineer

I agree with this, most personally, the part that says,

"...Then we talk and argue and go over things again and worry furiously, not wanting to have to make mistakes and yank things up. All the while, nothing has been planted, nothing has the chance to grow. No one gets too messy either, in good Anglican fashion. Well, except for those people and missions who are set aside waiting for a resolution - a plan. And those set aside can whither and die, while we chat each other up and express ourselves endlessly. I would like to argue for an artist's approach, knowing that our great Creator, fashioned us in a process of getting in the dirt, breathing on the wind and moving ribs and other things around. God got busy with the tools and used the available gifts in creation. I would like us, for a change, to get out there and get dirty, to get elbow deep and realize we might fail, and might have to do some replanting, reworking, re-hydrating in order to be a community acting for the love of Christ...."

Why am I drifting away from Church?

This isn't a rant, but includes topics I don't want to post on my other blog. It may exhibit some sadness or depression, or even some sort of "passive agression" against who-knows-what. But I do know that it is "Episcopally-correct" for lapsed members to fade away quietly, and not to malinger.

Last week I was asked to substitute at church for a guy who couldn't be there. I agreed grudgingly, and church was heavily on my mind from Friday night through Sunday (and beyond).

I've known for a couple of months that it takes more than a week to "recover" from church, but that it really takes two or three weeks away to feel normal -- to the point that I don't have to think about it, or whether or not I have to set my alarm clock on Saturday night. And to continually make the trip, just to be the "dark cloud", doesn't seem like it would be healthy for other people.

I'm not particularly mad at anyone about anything, even if I have my gripes about the place. But a whole lot surfaces whenever I think about having to go. Like a whole lot, but mostly things from the distant past. (Neverthe less, the more things change, the more they stay the same.)

There were 4 recent "events" that contributed to my current state. I think 3 are posted already here.

When I consider why it is that I have no motivation to make the trip to church, I have to wonder if I'm generally depressed and spiralling into a life as a recluse, or if I'm being punitive in some way. I also know that "I'm supposed to be there". And when I've felt this way in the past, my presence was a form of "activism". I know I have to "stay in it", because nothing will ever change if I don't. (But nothing really has in all these years, anyway.)

In the past, my disappointments, frustrations, and feelings of exclusion (in a "your concepts of hospitality are inhospitable and exclusionary toward me" kind of way -- where every social event is centered around animal flesh and byproducts) were "grist for the mill", and actually led to some amazing things, like my other blog site, ENAW, General Convention, participation with the Multi-Faith relgious leaders who co-authored "A Religious Proclamation for Animal Compassion", an invitation to speak at a national animal rights conference on the topic of animals & religion, etc. But the time for "grist" is over, because it takes a constant and cumulative toll on me. It is not good for my soul in general. And I'm to the point that I have nothing (else) to offer my church, and I still go home feeling empty. I feel basically like a dandelion that has been snipped down to the root. That is debilitating and crushing, when I really think about it.

A little piece of me died there, when the DVD (which epitomizes all my hopes and dreams -- see the last paragraph to know what I'm talking about) became lost. "It represented my life". A large piece of me died on April 6th, when it was returned to me, unwatched. And another large piece of me died on Rogation Sunday, when any hope of a gardening group was pre-empted by the cancer support group whose forum was about Relay for Life. I felt like I was pre-empted by a presentation of authorized members, basically (if unknowingly) asking us to support animal research.

The hope for starting a group of organic veggie gardeners in the congregation was my own "dangling carrot" -- or the last straw. It turned out to be the last straw.

So, what excuses would I give for not making the trip to church? There are many. But I decided yesterday that it boils down to things like "time" and "priorities" -- in a twisted way that church people would think of in a completely different way.

To set aside time to watch the DVD, would have required it to have some priority. But it was not a priority. ("My life" was not a priority. How should I feel about that?)

When I thought about the time it takes me to drive to and from church each week, it struck me that the round trip is equivalent to the amount of time it would take to watch the DVD. When I thought about the time it takes to sit through a church service, it is also equivalent to the amount of time it would take to watch the DVD.

It almost feels like I'm trying to "get even" in some way.

I don't think I am. I realize that the DVD is at the core of my current issues. And it is the constant association between the unwatched DVD, and the lost hope that I'd ever be able to do anything with it there, that I think the drive is just too long for the trip to be a priority for me. I have to weigh which is worse for my soul -- to go, or to stay home. And I guess that's one reason I'm not burning any bridges.

I also believe that the choice not to watch the DVD was a passive way of saying "No".
I'm feeling like my staying home from church without explanation is also a passive way of saying "No", but mainly, "No, I am not interested in following any more dangling carrots that the church may have to offer. So, basically, I have to weigh from one week to the next whether I'd feel worse going or staying away. But it almost seems important to stay away on the weeks I'm not scheduled to be there.

(The DVD I'm referring to highlighted the event and the talks in Washington DC at the unveiling and official signing of "A Religious Proclamation for Animal Compassion". It can be ordered via the link in the last sentence of this article. I'm in the picture on that page. How sad that I have to look outside my own church for support for my cause.)

Who speaks for God?

The following is a response to a priest who posted a message about prophets/being prophetic on a listserv that I read....

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Interesting topic.

I had a conversation with my priest the Sunday after Easter, where we were discussing "my" issues that will never be aired in a public forum (over the idea of which bishop might be good to invite to speak at a conference I'm going to in August). I commented that the priests and bishops who seem most likely to openly speak out on "my" issues are those who are either non-parochial or retired. She agreed (probably implying a way to be left off the hook) and differentiated between the need for being pastoral vs. the need to prophetic. (The need not to create a divisive environment.)

Unfortunately, even though we agreed, it didn't make me feel any better about the Catch 22 that I'm stuck in there. If I had read this back then, I could have accused the Church of being a "not-for-prophet institution". Great description! I think it's worth a book.

No congregation, and certainly no religious institution, really wants or welcomes any kind of prophet in their midst. (I could rattle on, but won't.) But the bottom line for me is that since no one welcomes any type of truth that causes discomfort or implies any expectations from the hearers, or "makes ancient good uncouth", nothing much will ever change in a meaningful way. And it's too bad that I feel that way about the only institution that ostensibly represents God.

S...
[appropriate hymn]

"My own hunches and experiences point to an institution that is largely disconnected from the issues, needs and hurts of the world. I have felt that the church has been distressingly silent in terms of offering prophetic commentary and moral insight for the largest problems we face. In matters of public policy and personal transformation most churches are irrelevant."

-- (the Rev.) Peter Sawtell, from "The Irrelevant Church" (9/6/02)


"When the voice of God is invoked
on behalf of those
who have no voice,
it is time to listen.
But when the name of God is used
to benefit the interests
of those who are speaking,
it is time to be very careful."

-- Jim Wallis, Who Speaks for God?

Oprah, quotes & "A Lenten Fast From Violence" revisited

This is a post I decided not to send to one of my listservs. But it falls within the definition of a mini-rant. So I'll post it here:

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Hi, all. I added links & quotes pertaining to Oprah's 21 day vegan cleanse on my site, along with things that came to mind as I went from link to link, both on her site and elsewhere.

If you look (or if you continue reading this) you might gather that after all these years, it still irks me, whenever I think about it, that our churches -- or the World Council of Churches(!) -- will not even mention giving up meat for Lent as an "option" for people to consider. Well, I know of one exception among us, in another part of the country. But I guess one has to be a veg'n to "preach it", because no one else will -- unless they're Orthodox, and observing a vegan Lent is the norm -- and from what I understand, the expectation to even be able to take Communion (with dispensations for the young and the elderly). As I've lamented in the past, The Episcopal Church is either too "protestant", or too self-indulgent (which is more likely the case), to care about such vestigial practices as self-examination, penitence and self-denial, even for the one season out of the Church Year that is set aside for that kind of thing.

Well, I'm thankful that Oprah is doing this.

Maybe her fans will take notice.

Sue


“How can you say you’re trying to spiritually evolve, without even a thought about what happens to the animals whose lives are sacrificed in the name of gluttony?”
– Oprah

Rogation Sunday

So, today was Rogation Sunday. I had a little bit of hope that today would be the day I could interest some people in my church to join me in gardening this summer, with the intent of growing a few organic things for ourselves, and to share the extras with others at church including our Community Meal (soup kitchen).

This was the dangling carrot I invented for myself, to have a reason to continue going to church "for a season".

Nothing was planned for Rogation, except for the choice of hymns. I asked my priest (who liked my idea last September) if she would say something during the announcements, or if I could. She suggested that I do it, because she might forget. And so I did.

On the way out, I asked if she could bless my seeds. She wasn't sure, because the cancer support group was doing the forum (which we don't have on a regular basis) and said it would depend on time, etc., depending on what's going on with their presentation.

So during the forum, I sat at a long table next to my set-up card table. (I also had my copy of the Book of Occasional Services on the table in front of me.) She ended up sitting next to me. But as soon as the cancer presentation was finished, she got up and left.

So not only did I feel completely unsupported, as if I were the "Weed of the Church", I was subjected to the group who is encouraging us to support the Relay for Life, where the proceeds go to the American Cancer Society -- and the main chunk goes to (animal) research to "find a cure". Whatever.

No group in that church gets much support, if any, from the rest of the congregation. The church is "unresponsive".

I was visably upset before I left, and told one guy why (not a member, but a regular attendee) -- not just because of today, but because of the benign neglect (a passive way of saying "no") over the unpreviewed Proclamation DVD. I asked the guy who does the liturgical schedule to take me off, because I am in need of a "sabbatical".

One lady showed some interest in taking some lettuce, radish & cilantro seeds. But she has an apartment balcony, so doesn't really have room to grow much. Even so, since she's just one person, I really don't need to go back to church on a regular basis. I'll go back when I have something worthwhile to offer the church -- like my extra potatoes.



Even though it was cold today, I'm glad I wore my new "Episcopally-correct" T-shirt to church. It has the ENAW logo on the front, above a quote:

"Speak up for those who have no voice,
for the cause of those appointed to die."

-- Proverbs 31:8 [NKJV variation]

And on the back, it has one of the Baptismal promises from the BCP:

"Do you renounce the evil powers of the world which corrupt and destroy the creatures of God?"

"I renounce them."


Another thing that bothers me is that the intercessions for the Prayers of the People are always cleared out, or non-existent. I have a friend in hospice care, and it is like pulling teeth to try to keep her on the church's prayer list. What's up with that?!


Basically, church depresses me. Why waste the gas to go? It takes me about two weeks to recover.

Inhibited by broken promises

I've been dreading going to church tomorrow, because I'm afraid my priest might ask, "How are you?" It's always such a complicated question to try to answer honestly, or accurately, since my mood can change from one day to the next. I will say that this was a rough week, and it took me most of that time to get over my disappointment of last weekend.

So what word would I use to describe how I am, or how I'm feeling? A few came to mind. "Grounded" was one that sounds pretty neutral, especially this past week, when so many jets were grounded to have their wire bundles in their wheel wells inspected. It is also fitting, because my organic veggie seeds arrived this week. So I've started planting them, hoping they'll be seedlings by mid-May.

But in the Episcopal Church's climate this week, the word "inhibited" came to mind. I feel inhibited. I'm not feeling personally inhibited as if I did anything wrong that would cause me to be kept silent. But the thing I was hoping would happen since last November won't ever happen, and now I am left feeling pretty much like the wind has been sucked out of my sails, that I am out of ideas, and that my hope has died. ("Zombie of the Church" just came to mind, too. But I think I'll keep that one to myself, hoping something will improve my mood soon.)

The gardening idea is still a "go". But I've all but lost interest in promoting it, even though I'll bring my seeds on the 27th (if nothing has sprouted by then) in case there is any sort of Rogation Sunday thingie that will be going on.

We talked briefly about the upcoming Animal Rights National Conference in August, where I'll be a speaker on the topic of animals & religion. I mentioned that the person who submitted my name asked if I knew of any bishops who might be interested in going to speak too. I had some in mind. My priest suggested another one, who happens to be retired. Somehow it came up in conversation that the clergy who are more likely to feel free to talk about animal issues are those who are either non-parochial or retired. And after the flak our Presiding Bishop got from the conservative bloggers, I felt like I was opting toward suggesting the retired bishop.

That whole idea brought up a Catch 22 in my mind -- knowing that non-parochial or retired means that this is a topic that will never get discussed in our churches in a meaningful way. Congregational life. It's a pit, because no one wants to ruin the tranquility, or get anyone riled up enough to leave. (I don't count. I'm just one person.) So this is what it boiled down to for me:

"...the thought occurred to me that the problem with the Church is that it allows 'the evil powers of this world which corrupt and destroy the creatures of God' to orchestrate for us what is safe and acceptable to talk about in a public forum, and, that the churches are unwilling to 'renounce them'."

How is it that the Church expects people to publicly renounce the evil powers of this world which corrupt and destroy the creatures of God as part of their Baptismal promises, when the Church will not?

The Presiding Bishop's Easter Message

Since this is a rant, I decided to move it here, from my other blog site. (It was from April 2nd.) As a background, here is the link to The Presiding Bishop's Easter Message.

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I started a blurb, and then deleted it. It ended up being a diatribe about the typically disrespectful/hateful comments I found on the conservative blogs. I'll wait until I can simply state why I was happy to read the Presiding Bishop's Easter Message. I know why I was. I'm not so sure that I'd want to post it here. Maybe I'll let the positive reside on my March 23rd blurb with the excerpt that can speak for itself. Maybe I'll concentrate on the negative comments I read, instead, since I don't feel like posting my opinions on their blogs, and subject myself to the self-righteous pyranhas. I need to get some sleep.

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Added 4/5/08:

In response to those who ripped the Presiding Bishop apart because her Easter Message wasn't "Christian-enough" for their taste (and nothing she could ever do or say would make them happy anyway), I would simply say that she was speaking to Episcopalians, who already know what Easter is about. Anyone who goes to church once or twice a year knows about Jesus' death and Resurrection. She was saying things that most Episcopalians do not seem to know about -- or care about. Why Easter? Why not? It is a time when churches traditionally do baptisms. Maybe people who read the Easter Message had a chance to hear this for the first time:

"Do you renounce the evil powers of this world which corrupt and destroy the creatures of God?"


"I renounce them."

One thing I found so potentially important about the message, is that we are big into the MDG's. I am hopeful that her message will encourage charitable people in our churches to find ways to support the MDG's that not only help the poorest of the poor, but do not hurt the environment, or add to animal suffering. If the higher-ups in the Church take her message to heart, maybe we can stop encouraging people to support "buy a cow for a poor family" schemes. Maybe ERD will phase out their "animal slavery project". Maybe the creator of the animal-exploitive Advent Calendar that is posted every year on the Diocese of Washington's website will update the daily outreach suggestions. Who knows what could happen, when someone in a position like hers actually goes out on a limb to speak to a topic that even our environmentalists who talk about Climate Change won't touch?

(Go ahead and eat your Easter hamburgers out of contempt for our Church leader, you self-righteous, self-indulgent, hard-hearted brood of vipers. Why not throw in a gluttonous Turducken while you're at it, just for spite? How many creatures of God are you willing to corrupt and destroy, just so you can dehumanize another Christian who doesn't fit your mold?)


The Easter Message came to my attention just at a time when I was ready to drop out, because I've been so impatient with, and disillusioned by the Church's silence (and "imposed silence") on these topics -- eternally displaced by more important topics of the day like "sex and schism" that is a smoke screen that diverts attention from everything else, and is generally out of touch with anything other than its own self-interests. I'm back, because she opened a door!


I was reminded of these old posts:


- An Open Letter to Episcopalians (and other charitable people) in support of MDG's

- The other "Inconvenient Truth" -- a message for the Church (and the world)


- MDG's: A few cruelty-free international relief and development organizations