Why am I drifting away from Church?

This isn't a rant, but includes topics I don't want to post on my other blog. It may exhibit some sadness or depression, or even some sort of "passive agression" against who-knows-what. But I do know that it is "Episcopally-correct" for lapsed members to fade away quietly, and not to malinger.

Last week I was asked to substitute at church for a guy who couldn't be there. I agreed grudgingly, and church was heavily on my mind from Friday night through Sunday (and beyond).

I've known for a couple of months that it takes more than a week to "recover" from church, but that it really takes two or three weeks away to feel normal -- to the point that I don't have to think about it, or whether or not I have to set my alarm clock on Saturday night. And to continually make the trip, just to be the "dark cloud", doesn't seem like it would be healthy for other people.

I'm not particularly mad at anyone about anything, even if I have my gripes about the place. But a whole lot surfaces whenever I think about having to go. Like a whole lot, but mostly things from the distant past. (Neverthe less, the more things change, the more they stay the same.)

There were 4 recent "events" that contributed to my current state. I think 3 are posted already here.

When I consider why it is that I have no motivation to make the trip to church, I have to wonder if I'm generally depressed and spiralling into a life as a recluse, or if I'm being punitive in some way. I also know that "I'm supposed to be there". And when I've felt this way in the past, my presence was a form of "activism". I know I have to "stay in it", because nothing will ever change if I don't. (But nothing really has in all these years, anyway.)

In the past, my disappointments, frustrations, and feelings of exclusion (in a "your concepts of hospitality are inhospitable and exclusionary toward me" kind of way -- where every social event is centered around animal flesh and byproducts) were "grist for the mill", and actually led to some amazing things, like my other blog site, ENAW, General Convention, participation with the Multi-Faith relgious leaders who co-authored "A Religious Proclamation for Animal Compassion", an invitation to speak at a national animal rights conference on the topic of animals & religion, etc. But the time for "grist" is over, because it takes a constant and cumulative toll on me. It is not good for my soul in general. And I'm to the point that I have nothing (else) to offer my church, and I still go home feeling empty. I feel basically like a dandelion that has been snipped down to the root. That is debilitating and crushing, when I really think about it.

A little piece of me died there, when the DVD (which epitomizes all my hopes and dreams -- see the last paragraph to know what I'm talking about) became lost. "It represented my life". A large piece of me died on April 6th, when it was returned to me, unwatched. And another large piece of me died on Rogation Sunday, when any hope of a gardening group was pre-empted by the cancer support group whose forum was about Relay for Life. I felt like I was pre-empted by a presentation of authorized members, basically (if unknowingly) asking us to support animal research.

The hope for starting a group of organic veggie gardeners in the congregation was my own "dangling carrot" -- or the last straw. It turned out to be the last straw.

So, what excuses would I give for not making the trip to church? There are many. But I decided yesterday that it boils down to things like "time" and "priorities" -- in a twisted way that church people would think of in a completely different way.

To set aside time to watch the DVD, would have required it to have some priority. But it was not a priority. ("My life" was not a priority. How should I feel about that?)

When I thought about the time it takes me to drive to and from church each week, it struck me that the round trip is equivalent to the amount of time it would take to watch the DVD. When I thought about the time it takes to sit through a church service, it is also equivalent to the amount of time it would take to watch the DVD.

It almost feels like I'm trying to "get even" in some way.

I don't think I am. I realize that the DVD is at the core of my current issues. And it is the constant association between the unwatched DVD, and the lost hope that I'd ever be able to do anything with it there, that I think the drive is just too long for the trip to be a priority for me. I have to weigh which is worse for my soul -- to go, or to stay home. And I guess that's one reason I'm not burning any bridges.

I also believe that the choice not to watch the DVD was a passive way of saying "No".
I'm feeling like my staying home from church without explanation is also a passive way of saying "No", but mainly, "No, I am not interested in following any more dangling carrots that the church may have to offer. So, basically, I have to weigh from one week to the next whether I'd feel worse going or staying away. But it almost seems important to stay away on the weeks I'm not scheduled to be there.

(The DVD I'm referring to highlighted the event and the talks in Washington DC at the unveiling and official signing of "A Religious Proclamation for Animal Compassion". It can be ordered via the link in the last sentence of this article. I'm in the picture on that page. How sad that I have to look outside my own church for support for my cause.)